goldie

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. However, these files that stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

Then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory could not match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching: A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed.”

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read,” "Lies I Have Told,” "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At.” Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I Have Yelled at My Brothers." Others I could not laugh at: "Things I Have Done In My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath At My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

The sheer volume of the life I had lived overwhelmed me. Could it be possible that I had time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? Nevertheless, each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my own signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly and yet after two or three yards, I had not found the end of the file. I shut it, ashamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy, I yanked the file out. Its size did not matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I could not bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go so the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally, He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign his name over mine on each card.

"No" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card front Him. His name should not be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smi1ed a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I do not think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. `There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

Author: Anonymous

"It is out of the depths of true prayer than an individual rises to real heights."
~ Prayer



Matthew 5
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Found a lump. Is there enough room here to possibly list all of the emotions I am currently feeling?

**UPDATE** Apparently, I have fiberous breasts and it is nothing to be concerned about at the moment.

Our Father which art in heaven ..."

"Yes?"

"Don't interrupt me. I'm praying."

"But you called me."

"Called you? I didn't call you. I'm praying. Our Father which art in heaven
..."

"There ... you did it again."

"Did what?"

"Called me. You said, Our Father which art in heaven. Here I am. What's on
your mind?"

"But I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers
for the day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of
like getting a duty done."

"All right. Go on."

"Hallowed be thy name ..."

"Hold it! What do you mean by that?"

"By what?"

"By 'hallowed be thy name'?"

"It means ... it means ... good grief! I don't know what it means. How
should I know? It's just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it
mean?"

"It means honored ... holy ... wonderful."

"Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

"Do you really mean that?"

"Sure, why not?"

"What are you doing about it?"

"Doing? Nothing, I guess! I just think it would be kind of neat if you got
control of everything down here like you have up there."

"Have I got control of you?"

"Well ... I go to church."

"That isn't what I asked you. What about your bad temper? You've really got
a problem there, you know. And then there's the way you spend your money ...
all on yourself. And what about the kind of books you read?"

"Stop picking on me! I'm just as good as some of the rest of those people at
the church."

Excuse me. I thought you were praying for my will to be done. If that is to
happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it ... like
you, for example."

"Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I
could probably name some others."

"So could I."

"I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to
cut out some of those things. I would like to ... you know ... be really
free."

"Good ... now we're getting somewhere! We'll work together, you and I. Some
victories can truly be won. I'm proud of you."

"Look, Lord, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it
usually does. Give us this day, our daily bread."

"You need to cut out the bread. You're overweight as it is."

"Hey, wait a minute! What is this ... 'Criticize me day?' Here I was doing
my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my
hang-ups."

"Praying is a dangerous thing. You could wind up changed, you know. That's
what I'm trying to get across to you. You called me, and here I am. It's too
late to stop now. Keep praying. I'm interested in the next part of your
prayer ... (pause). Well ... go on!"

"I'm scared to."

"Scared? Of what?"

"I know what You'll say."

"Try me and see."

"Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."

"What about Ann?"

"See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why Lord, she's told lies
about me, spread stories about my family. She never paid back the debt she
owes me. I've sworn to get even with her!"

"But your prayer? What about your prayer?"

"I didn't mean it."

"Well, at least you're honest. But it's not much fun carrying that load of
bitterness around inside, is it?

"No, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even. Boy, have I got some plans
for that neighbor. She'll wish she had never moved into this neighborhood.

"

"You won't feel any better. You'll feel worse. Revenge isn't sweet. Think of
how unhappy you already are. But I can change all that."

"You can? How?"

"Forgive Ann. Then I'll forgive you. Then the hate and sin will be Ann's
problem and not yours. You will have settled your heart."

"Oh, you're right. You always are. And more than I want to revenge Ann, I
want to be right with you. Ann, I want to be right with you ... (pause) ...
(sigh). Alright! Alright! I forgive her! Help her to find the right road in
life, Lord. She's bound to be awfully miserable now that I think about it.
Anybody who goes around doing the things she does to others has to be out of
it. Someway, somehow, show her the right way."

"There now! Wonderful! How do you feel?"

"Hmmmm ... well, not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I feel pretty great! You
know, I don't think I'll have to go to bed uptight tonight for the first
time since I can remember. Maybe I won't be so tired from now on because I'm
not getting enough rest."

"You're not through with your prayer. Go on."

"Oh, all right. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

"Good! Good! I'll do that. Just don't put yourself in a place where you can
be tempted."

"What do you mean by that?"

Don't turn on the TV when you know the laundry needs to be done and the
house needs to be picked up. Also, about the time you spend having coffee
with your friends ... if you can't influence the conversation to positive
things, perhaps you should re-think the value of those friendships. Another
thing, your neighbors and friends shouldn't be your standard for "keeping up
with." And please don't use me for an escape hatch."

"I don't understand the last part."

"Sure you do. You've done it a lot of times. You get caught in a bad
situation. You get into trouble and then you come running to me. "Lord, help
me out of this mess, and I promise you I'll never do it again." You remember
some of those bargains you tried to make with me?"

"Yes and I'm ashamed, Lord. I really am."

"Which bargain are you remembering?"

"Well, there was the night that Bill was gone and the children and I were
home alone. The wind was blowing so hard I thought the roof would go any
minute and tornado warnings were out. I remember praying, 'Oh God, if you
spare us, I'll never skip my devotions again."

"I protected you, but you didn't keep your promise, did you?"

"I'm sorry, Lord. I really am. Up until now I thought that if I just prayed
the Lord's Prayer every day, then I could do what I liked. I didn't expect
anything to happen like it did."

"Go ahead and finish your prayer."

"For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen."

"Do you know what would bring me glory? What would really make me happy?"

"No, but I'd like to know. I now want to please you. I can see what a mess
I've made of my life. And I can see how great it would be to really be one
of your followers."

"You just answered the question."

"I did?"

"Yes. The thing that would bring me glory is to have people like you truly
love me. And I see that happening between us. Now that some of these old
sins are exposed and out of the way, well, there is no telling what we can
do together."

"Lord, let's see what we can make of me, okay?"

"Yes, let's see. "